A career in poll dancing

In an age increasingly coloured by the clamour of social media and usergenerated nonsense, polls and surveys are meat and drink for a population increasingly willing to share an opinion, writes BASEMENT JACK.

We Brits seem to be suckers for surveys. We appear to be potty about polls. This despite the number of times they reveal us to be adolescent, addle-minded ignoramuses. Polls are meat for the media and professional commentators to gobble up and excrete as evidence supportive to their own agendas. Often as not don't they leaving you wondering about who the hell they actually surveyed? What kind of [insert preferred term of derision here] have they been talking to? Despite the best efforts of professional pollsters are they really getting a representative sample of the public (and if so where do I find a lifeboat)?

Take, for example, a recent poll from online discount destination MyVoucherCodes.com, which listed the top 10 dream careers for British men. The 10th most popular option was 'inventor'. Of all the vocations under heaven 11% of the 1,300 or so British blokes surveyed said their dream would be a career in inventing. One must assume these respondents meant the commercially successful types like Sir James Dyson rather than the shuffling, penniless eccentrics who lock themselves in the shed for 12 months before emerging with an electrified weasel lasso. Still, inventing...Dyson and Doc Brown from Back to the Future notwithstanding isn't it a bit like wishing you were a wizard or something? Unlikely, quirky...a little bit odd...who answered this poll again?

For those who might be wondering, the number one dream career was, believe it or not, Top Gear presenter. Desperate,mundane, lacking in imagination at all? Hmmm. Apparently 42% of respondents thought it would be 'easy' and 26% 'exciting'...Richard Hammond would certainly attest to that last stat.

But anyway, the reason for homing in on the wannabe inventors is genuine surprise. This stems from the portrait of mediocrity the profession has been given over the last 12 weeks by besuited, unshaven oddball Tom Pellereau - Lord Alan Sugar'snewest business partner having somehow triumphed in the series of The Apprentice that has just concluded. He seemed likea nice enough chap, or at least he wasn't quite as odious as the other contestants but the idea that he could be some type of role model...he was just such a berk.

Lest we forget, this was the man who tried to tempt buyers from La Redoute, one of the largest retail chains in France, to buy just 10 units of his team's teapot lamp - clearly failing to take the hint that the plush offices, team of buying professionals and large presentation suite probably meant it wasn't some piddling pop-up store in Gare de Nord. This was the man who believed Columbus was British and returned the potato to Queen Elizabeth I from the new world.

This was also the man who looked like a strong breeze might knock him over and turned into an invertebrate anytime his opinions were challenged. Ah but getting that nail file into Wal-Mart...and those 'Emer-crunchy' biscuits, what genius. Who wouldn't want to be an inventor...? Inventors are winners! Tom proved it! How on earth he will cope with the 'forthright' style of Britain's favourite celebrity tycoon is another story.

For the record, the full top 10 dream careers in the survey are listed below, the bracketed figure shows the percentage of the vote (people were able to choose multiple answers in case you were wondering). I've also included possible motivations behind the decisions, which it should be stated were not part of theoriginal survey info.

1. Top Gear presenter (29%)

Appeal: Fame, speed, cars, working with a giant, curly-locked right-wing buffoon, a hamster and a King Charles spaniel.

2. Videogames tester (25%)

Appeal: Getting paid to arse around.

3. Professional sportsman (24%)

Appeal: Fame, cash, adulation and sexual partners way out of your league.

4. Actor (21%)

Appeal: See above.

5. Formula 1 driver (19%)

Appeal: Speed, glamour, cars and sexual partners way out of your league.

6. Fireman (17%)

Appeal: It's what you wanted to be since you were four years old.

7. Stockbroker (16%)

Appeal: Cash and the respect of the wider community.

8. Pilot (14%)

Appeal: You've watched Top Gun 23 times.

9. Spy (12%)

Appeal: James Bond's women, Jason Bourne's skills.

10. Inventor (11%)

Appeal: Back to the Future (and Tom Pellereau, of course).

I suppose we should be grateful that comedic options such as beaver trapper weren't on the list as surely the impassioned japesters and opinions spreaders would have found it
impossible to resist.

In a poll of one surly, misanthropic journo 100% of respondents expressed a preference for a few less meaningless surveys.

If you'd like to comment on any of Jack's article or share rant about something that irritates you, email editorial@theappointment.co.uk. It might tempt him out of the cupboard, and maybe he'll write about what annoys you!

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