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There's simply no way that the British public can go on with the current unrelenting avalanche of bad news. Thankfully bosses in TV Land have apparently come to the same conclusion and are discussing some interesting notions, writes Basement Jack.

There's not much in the way of good cheer just now, not even for a 'glass-half-full' type of cat such as Basement Jack. Everywhere you look there are crises, deterioration, hardship, clueless politicians and of course 'The Only Way is Essex' (the single greatest non-violent crime enacted on the UK public in living memory). Finally, however, there are some plans in the pipeline to help the poor British public deal with the unremitting nightmare of bad news with which we're all being choked on a daily basis.

While it remains patently clear that no-one has a Scooby Doo how to actually solve any of the myriad problems we're facing, least of all those in charge, there are at least reforms being mooted as to how the news is broken. Rather than the hard, objective, unflinching style that has characterised British TV current affairs journalism for more than half a century, the bosses of broadcasting have decided to break the news to us gently. In all likelihood different channels will adopt different formats and features to soften the blow of the day's crop of sorrow and mayhem and, while nothing is as yet confirmed, the following options are thought to be under consideration:

Locking Robert Peston in a cupboard.

Actually this is less an option under discussion than a plea from yours truly - someone needs to tell the BBC's harbinger of economic doom that there will only ever be four riders of the apocalypse, no matter how hard he petitions for a fifth spot to be opened up. The world's in a bad enough place without him looking so pleased about it. If Satan himself arose from the Pit declaring it to be the End of Days and the beginning of his dominion on Earth, Peston would retain his trademark look of self-satisfaction just so long as he had been the one to tell us all it was going to happen in the first place.

Good news Friday

A clear 'does what it says on the tin' strategy - to ensure that all news content broadcast on a Friday was good news. That's not to say lie about what's going on, that's not really in the spirit of news programmes, but rather to unearth positive stories and ignore the rest for 24 hours. What better way to approach the weekend after a hard working week than to tune into the news safe in the knowledge that it is all going to be positive, life-affirming and happy stuff? This is a front-runner for many media organisations for its obvious boost to ratings, with the less 'serious' channels also contemplating the simultaneous introduction of 'dress down Friday' - with presenters sporting jeans and other casual gear in place of the power suits.

Mock the Geek

A controversial idea thought to be unpopular with many is the notion of displaying a live Twitter feed at the side of the screen throughout the news broadcast. The feed would be populated with real-time viewers' reactions to the presenters and the stories, thereby diluting the seriousness of the programme. Thus a security expert waxing lyrical about another dangerous development in the Middle East might be accompanied by: "#bbcnews The real crisis is the state of your teeth, baldy. @laughingboy92" or "#itnnews What a munter! Who let the dogs out Mrs? @chestlewit2". Reluctance to adopt this idea stems largely from fears that the supply of experts might dry up fairly promptly.

Reality Checked

The sombre delivery of the modern newsreader inevitably adds weight to the already depressing subject matter. To combat this it is understood that some channels are looking to mix it up a bit by introducing some familiar voices from reality television into their news reports. Likely to be at the top of any TV exec's must-hire list are Big Brother's Geordie voice-over genius, Marcus Bentley, and X-Factor's king of continuity announcements Peter Dickson. You can see the thinking behind the idea: what real credibility or seriousness could any story really maintain when introduced by either of these titans?
For example: "Eearrrt-urrrr-earrrt p.m. [that's 8.08p.m.] Chancellor Muuurrkel and Prime Minister Sarkerrrrzy are in the European Parliament discussing the Greek debt crisis" - you're simultaneously interested and not bothered (and partially wondering whether he's trying to peer down her top). Similarly, having Dickson bellowing "Mr Miliband IT'S TIME, TO OUTLINE, THE POLICY OR FACE THE MUUUUSIC!", following another lacklustre performance at the Commons dispatch box by the leader of the Opposition might actually get the politically marginalised masses interested in the process once again. What it won't do is worry or depress them.

La-la-la I am Not Listening

This technological solution should appeal directly to a British person's innate ability to pretend something isn't happening (even while the thing that isn't happening is just chopping off his feet with a scythe). It's very simple really, news programmes will reduce the broadcast in direct relation to the negativity of the story under discussion - the worse the news, the quieter the broadcast. So when the world looks set to slide finally into the abyss, we'll never know about it because the broadcast will be completely silent, once again underlining that ignorance truly is bliss. A supplementary service is also believed to be in development that will additionally dim the picture in response to bad news - so if during the news the programme transforms into a silent, black screen it's probably worth packing up a few things and hiding in the basement.

Comic Crawl

This is an imaginative suggestion aimed at those satellite and cable news stations that delight in bombarding you with supplementary information on top of the news story the presenter is discussing. The plan being mooted is the insertion of spoof stories and comic anecdotes amid the genuine, miserable news items on the 'crawl' - the scrolling text along the bottom of the screen to you an me. Thus while the talking heads relate tales of collapsing currencies, war and famine your eye will be drawn to such nuggets as "Breaking News: A big boy done a guff and ran away" or "Cameron denies giving Miliband 'ultimate wedgy' in Commons lobby". This subliminal rib-tickling is designed to envelope viewers in a sub-conscious comedic shield which deflects much of the international situation's true awfulness.

The exact timescales that some or all of these policies are to be introduced is as yet unclear but it is comforting to know that, finally, somebody somewhere is trying to do something about the mess we're all in.