Basement Jack - 15 January 2011

Thoughts from an indigestive pause

Christmas affords a person a certain amount of time for reflection - particularly if one has indulged in festive excesses to such a degree that extricating oneself from the sofa requires a moderately sized pneumatic hoist. So it was that in the brief moments between bouts of gross gluttony, small unfocussed musings about the year just passed and the year to come drifted in and out of my semi-conscious mind. As there was so rarely a pencil within reach at the time many of these are regrettably lost forever but a couple stuck to the cerebral flypaper.

Christmas with the Assanges

Christmas with a man who with a fanatical belief in the intrinsic, universal good of transparency of information could be something of a ball-ache. If you bought Julian Assange a Christmas present that was not to his taste, would he - in the interests of transparency - feel obliged to provide an unalloyed report of his dissatisfaction? Indeed if you were a friend of the slightly creepy Wikileaks boss would Christmas morning not be a rather bruising affair? You can almost hear him drawl in that peculiar non-specific international accent: "While I appreciate the thought, this jumper is really not to my taste." He'd surely find himself on the business end of a major hissy fit.

Worse still, let's say your whole family had come down to have Christmas with the Assanges. You just know that over Boxing Day lunch he would be compelled to provide transcripts of Facebook conversations between your kids describing your choice of gifts for them as "cheap-skate" and "pure sh*t eBay-fodder". On the whole it might be difficult to maintain the spirit of the season. Transparency is all well and good in the right context; for windows and court-room testimony - absolutely - for trousers and communications that put soldiers' lives at risk...not so much.

Never knowingly impolite

OK so this story broke after the Christmas break but I was still struggling to emerge from the clutches of the sofa and it was just too delicious to resist: John Lewis providing customer service lessons to the police - genius. Just picture it: "I do beg your pardon, it is indeed a lovely flick-knife, sir, but could I interest you in not menacing old ladies with it at all?" Or possibly "I hate to intrude but you fine young men appear to be beating this other gentleman with baseball bats and a tire-iron. Why don't we all pop back to the station for a nice cup of tea and a chat? We've got custard creams!"

There's little doubt that the JLP staff entrusted with helping out parts of the Manchester police force will do a splendid job but doesn't it just sound like complete and utter bobbins? It simply reeks of an ambitious senior officer with an eye for a publicity stunt looking to make a name for himself. It beggars belief that there aren't greater operational priorities for an already over-stretched, resource-starved police force in a major UK city than charm school. Certainly if my day-to-day job consistently involved putting myself at risk of abuse both verbal and physical and my boss suggested a course in playing nice with the urban thug, he would very quickly be requiring medical assistance to remove a telescopic assault baton from his hind parts.

What's worse is that this could easily be the thin end of an absurd wedge. How long before some enterprising young army officer seeks to replicate the police's new approach in order to better engage with the enemy? Theatres of conflict all around the globe could soon be ringing with cries of "Sorry to disturb" just prior to the explosion of hand grenades.

Actually I would much rather another bunch of public servants received the John Lewis treatment ahead of the police, namely doctor's receptionists. But thinking about it they could take lessons in politeness from the Guantanamo brigade.

If you'd like to comment on any of Jack's article or share rant about something that irritates you, email editorial@theappointment.co.uk. It might tempt him out of the cupboard, and maybe he'll write about what annoys you!