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In the name of love
Yes, it's that time of year again: V-Day. Love and neurosis fill the air in equal measures as lovers scrabble desperately for something original and imaginative to give their partner. Hating to see our readers in distress we turned to the nation's etailers to find a few hitherto hidden gems from the wonderful world of the web to point you in what may be the right direction.
Valentine's Day isn't just for starry-eyed pre-teens, defacing their pencil cases with the initials of their object of desire. According to figures released by the British Retail Consortium (BRC), Valentine's Day is worth approximately £2.3 billion in the UK, with 52% of this being spent through our high street retailers. This includes a massive £253 million spent on flowers, £92 million spent on chocolates, £437 million spent on jewellery and £92 million spent on lingerie. The average man will spend £93.75 on his sweetheart, whilst women will spend a slightly more modest £88.70. But the most interesting question is how much the Valentine's Day shopper will spend online this year.
It's a real minefield for the average consumer as a poorly selected present is often taken as a symptom of an ailing relationship. For men the problems are many and various. Are flowers boring or required? Are chocolates thoughtful or insensitive of ongoing struggles to lose that Christmas weight? And of course there's lingerie. Very tricky. Firstly, is a man buying his partner sexy lingerie not, to one degree or another, buying it for himself? Secondly, if you end up buying something deemed as slutty (and not in a good way) all of a sudden you're Merv the Perv...soon to be long-term resident of the couch.
While a generalisation, women don't really need to tread as lightly - men just aren't typically such sensitive souls. Chocolates? Great. Lingerie? Well that's pants really and a nice pair of posh pants is ok too. If you buy lingerie for yourself as a present to your partner there's a decent proportion of blokes who would consider this a complete result. A Valentine's present for most men really doesn't need to be related to the occasion itself. Anything with microchips in is almost always welcome...
Anyway, looking through The Appointment's inbox, it's clear that the internet is supplying more opportunities to buy unique gifts than ever before. We've received press releases about every kind of product, from a book of special Valentine's Day stamps to mosquito repellent ("Nothing spoils a romantic break in the sun quite like an attack from biting bugs!"), all seemingly justified by including the word "Valentine's" in the title. The range of gifts being devised, recycled or adapted for this festival seems endless and with etail growing like never before, the web has become the perfect place for the weird and wonderful to flourish. Inspired by this thought, we've hand-picked a selection of the cutest, strangest and sometimes dirtiest gifts out there for your perusal...
Mood Toast Stamp £4.49
www.prezzybox.com
Don't mince your words when it comes to the one you fancy - tell them how you feel by turning their ordinary everyday breakfast into messages of lurve. Sweet as a teddy bear dipped in syrup and unashamedly gimmicky, but somehow perfectly in keeping with V-Day itself. Imprint your lover's bread with the cute rubber stamp and say it with toast.
Cork Candles £9.99
www.Iwantoneofthose.com
Ever taken a large amount of skin off your hands and gained a new epidermis of molten wax whilst trying to force a candle into the top of a wine bottle? Neither has anyone else, if we're honest. But if you are the kind of person to whom this sounds familiar, you will thank your lucky stars for these clever inventions. Each cork-shaped candle has a tapered base, meaning it fits into any bottle, burns for approximately three hours and sits below your eyeline rather than right in front of your face. Perfect!
Special Edition Champagne Marmite
£2.99 Supermarkets nationwide
Perfect to spread on your "love" toast; why not buy your darling one of these 600,000 250g pots, which include 0.3% champagne. I'm sure we all have questions for the person who thought of combining the delicate taste of champagne with something that has the texture, colour and, some say, the taste of tar, but it's certainly a talking point. Just make sure your Valentine is on the right side of the "love it or hate it" debate before you buy it, as that kind of thing leads to overblown arguments.
Clone-A-Willy Vibrator Moulding Kit £24.99
www.LoveHoney.co.uk
A hit from one of the most up-and-coming (excuse the pun) adult websites around. Pretty self-explanatory, this one: a gift for those who like the, ahem, personal touch.
However, lads, you might have to have a think about how long you are prepared to stand around with your nether regions encased in plaster of Paris before rushing out to buy this for the love of your life.
Sensual photography experience £375
www.annsummers.com
For both singles and couples, this photo session is conducted by "professional erotic photographers" (it wasn't quite clear on the website whether it was the photographers who were erotic or the experience itself). Chances are this is the first chance you've had to get naked in front of a camera since you were 10 and may possibly be the last. The experience can get as risqué as you want it to and if it's a little too soon after Christmas and you're worried about the spare tyre you seem to have gained, don't worry as there's the option to have the photographs digitally retouched! Ann Summers models not included...
Romance by you £27.65
www.bookbyyou.com
Stuck for ideas of what to send the bookworm in your life? Send your lucky lover a copy of their own personalised romance novel! This concept seems to be taking the states by storm, and now delivery is possible overseas.
There are nine titles to choose from, including "Click for Love", "ER Fever", "Western Rendezvous" and "Pirates of Desire". Just select the book you like the sound of and fill out a questionnaire with your partner's name, eye colour, stature, pet name etc. Within days you and they could be curled up with a copy of your own personal romantic adventure and find yourselves making eyes over an operating table, swashing your buckles or simply riding off into the sunset.
Singtones £5 for 4 vouchers
www.singtones.com
What better way to show your loved one how much you care than by sending a track to their mobile phone featuring your angelic voice. Recorded and produced by you, the technology actually reduces the embarrassment factor by auto-tuning your voice so that you're always in time and in tune. Who wouldn't want your version of James Blunt's "You're Beautiful" blaring out every time their phone rings? You can either bombard your partner with tracks you've personally recorded or, if you know a budding X-factor star, buy them the vouchers and expect a song a day to be sent to you for the rest of your time together. (Which may be shorter than you think.)
