Valentines Fail Day

This yearly celebration of ardour and romance can bring out the very best in human nature as lovers around the world seek that perfect something for their special someone. But then again, even with the best of intentions, there are some gifts that were always going to struggle to impress...as our top (or bottom) five from cyberspace suggests.

Yes, l'amour is in the air once again. We've just about paid for Christmas and the next big budget buster hoves into view in the form of Valentine's Day. But the burning question is: has the global recession dulled our appetite for the "L" word? If the selection of Valentine's gift promotional material hitting Appointment's press release inbox in recent weeks is anything to judge by then there's a reasonable argument to suggest it has. Or at the very least that our tastes have taken a turn for the unorthodox.

Every year we plough through humourous, worrying and potentially reportable press releases that attempt to gain our attention by linking their products, however tenuously, with "V" Day. And whilst some, (candles, cards, flowers etc) are truly appropriate to the occasion, there are others which merit only one response...FAIL.

Though it was a contentious process we have narrowed down the dozens of potential candidates to form a top five least obvious and potentially least welcome Valentine's presents. Each of the entries detailed below were genuinely suggested as appropriate tokens of love. Some of the names have been omitted to protect the innocent (and to decrease the likelihood of libel suits), but no word of a lie, they are all real.

5. Edible underwear

This was a particularly controversial choice as the argument raged that its success as a gift would depend entirely on the sex of the recipient. Consider Figure 'A': buy this edible bra (and matching g-string if you're pushing the boat out) and you risk a less than warm reception. Rather than romance it smacks of something read about in a copy of Razzle. And yet consider Figure 'B': buy this edible posing pouch for the man in your life and there's every chance that he will think "Result!" Never mind how tacky, it's a gift that promises better things to come.

4. Wooden pants / Luxury anti-bacterial dressing gown

A joint entry at number four, as both products produced a very similar selection of "Eh" and "What the..." reactions. The 'sexy ethical underwear' is apparently made from a white pine tree clippings processed with enzymes into fibres. Just one word comes to mind: splinters. As for the gown, what better way to say "I love you" than to imply you're worried your paramour has some form of infection.

3. Fridge magnets

Got a lover who just loves snacks? Well an "I love you" porcelain fridge magnet might be just the thing. As your dearest darling tears open the fridge with their pudgy, chocolate-coated fingers for a seventh helping of sponge pudding, they may just catch a fleeting glimpse of your token of love, adorning the front of their cold food cabinet.

If you're lucky enough they might not actually mistake it for a delicious treat as soon as they open it....Ah, sweet, sweet love with that added crap factor.

2. Squeezy cheesy fondue

Want to cook a delicious meal for your Valentine but have all the cooking skills of a concussed chimp? Don't you worry, because those clever people at a well known squeezy cheese firm think that you can say it just as well with a plasticy cheese fondue as with monkfish wrapped in bacon avec red wine jus.

And don't forget, now there's a spectacular squeezy cheese in prawn flavour too. Sounds absolutely yummy.

1. Executive work bags

Are you the kind of emotionally crippled individual who just can't express the burning neutrality that is in your heart? Nothing says "I am dead inside" like a professional executive work bag. Featuring all the latest technology like "zips" and "pockets", this range is sure to express the general awareness that you have for whoever it is you see for three hours a week for emotion-free, meaningless liaisons. Who says romance is dead?